So, it’s been a really crappy week in our household… a REALLY crappy week. In fact, if I’m perfectly honest with myself, I think I could say it’s almost been a pretty crappy month. Well, maybe 3 weeks anyway. I’m at a loss to know what’s going on with me lately, and it’s scaring me no end. So much so, I’ve booked yet another doctors appointment and my HF and I are off to see a couples therapist. I’m all for prevention strategies rather than cure when it comes to matters of postnatal depression. Just unfortunately, for the moment anyway, it appears I need a little of both.
Disclaimer: Monthly, girly talk below
This week was by far been the worst week I’ve had for quite some time. I feel as though my medication has simply stopped working. I’ve been feeling this way for a while now, but this week has really been the pits. Is it my medication? Or is it because I was diagnosed with severe tonsillitis AND got my period all in one day? Am I just hormonally out of whack at the moment? Or is it because the world can stop for everyone else when they’re sick, but I have to soldier on? Or is it because my family place unrealistic expectations on me to always be strong? Or is it me placing these ridiculously unrealistic expectations on myself? Probably the latter. But as you know, when you’re in the thick of feeling crappy, worthless, and all the other emotions that come with PND (and hormones!), your thoughts simply run away from you until you have no idea where they started from to begin with. Sound familiar? (anyone?)
So, this week… Where to begin? My HF and I have been fighting – A LOT. I know it’s because I feel unsupported and unloved, and yet my rational mind also knows this is far from the truth. My HF does a great deal to support me and show his love for me, but I think that’s the key word: “does”. Whilst he “does” a great deal, I don’t “feel” love and support by his “doing” these things for me. Does that make sense? If you’ve ever read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman you may know what I’m talking about. This seems to be the issue for us at the moment, and probably has been for quite some time. I really feel as though we’re speaking a different language to each other and not on the same page at all. He’s all about the “doing”, and I’m all about the “feeling”, and neither of us are connecting. I guess it’s an obvious case of “Acts of Service” v’s “Quality Time”! I feel he may as well be speaking Japanese because I simply DO NOT understand him anymore! Hence, the couples therapy decision. Fortunately for me, my HF is not afraid of seeking outside help when it’s required. I’m really hoping this will provide us both a safe outlet for our troubles and provide us the tools we need to build the bridge back to one another again. Because I miss him… I really miss him.
And then there’s being sicker than I’ve been in probably 2 years, with the addition of my god-awful, horrible, period just to make matters worse. I honestly thought it was just a virus. Everyone else had been sick with either a stomach upset, or vomiting bug over the past couple of weeks and I was fortunate during that time to avoid most of the nasties. But alas, come last weekend my throat started to get sore and typically I shrugged it off thinking it was just the same “bug”, nothing more. By Monday morning it became very apparent it was more than just a bug and the GP confirmed my suspicion of tonsillitis (very, very bad tonsillitis). I used to get recurrent tonsillitis during highschool as a result of being run-down a great deal of the time. After high school, my tonsils definitely became the guide by which I could gauge my general health. Throughout my working life, there have been periods of tonsillitis separated with long remissions. Over the past 5 years or so, I can count the number of times I’ve had tonsillitis on one hand. Funnily enough, over the years I did a lot of research into why I was getting tonsillitis so often and in my spiritual reading I came across what I believe to be the most likely reason: my Throat chakra. This concept really resonated with me for a number of reasons (which I may need to go into another time). But basically, the Intuiative Journal’s definition for the Throat chakra is, “The fifth chakra energy center is located within your throat and represents the ability to speak and communicate effectively and is your true voice.” How uncanny! When things get truly awful in my life, are getting too much to handle and I can’t seem to communicate or deal with the people closest to me the first thing to give way is… My throat. A coincidence – ?
I know it’s a weird way to look at what’s been going on for me, but maybe there is some truth to it. I can’t speak with my HF without fighting at the moment. We can’t communicate at all. We’re about to try couples therapy as a means to “get back on track”. I get the worst case of tonsillitis I’ve had in years… What do you think?
It’s a funny kind of post, but I’m really glad you’ve read it and are sticking with me for the ride. I’ll certainly be sure to let you know how we go and what my GP says about my medication issue. Thanks so much as always!