Postnatal Depression: A letter to my Handsome Fiance…

Dearest Handsome Fiance,

Today is your birthday and I feel more love for you than I’ve ever felt before.  At this moment in time, I’m overwhelmed by your commitment, loyalty, love, and dedication to not only our family, but to me personally. You are a truly amazing and compassionate man, and I will forever be grateful to fate for allowing our paths to cross.

The past 18 months for us, since the birth of our LM, have been so wonderful, yet so devastating for our relationship in so many different ways.  To be honest, few days go by I don’t wonder why on earth you are still here, still putting up with my erratic moods and irrational thoughts.  I am forever asking myself:  “What did I do to deserve this incredible man?”  Yes, things have been getting better for us.  And yes, we’ve both worked extremely hard to ensure our relationship has not become a victim of my postnatal depression diagnosis.  But the nagging thought (yes, that nasty PND-M) in the back of my mind continues to remind me that you didn’t sign up for this… You didn’t ask to be confronted and impacted by such a powerful and destructive illness.  You didn’t fall in love with a broken woman. 

But here I am… broken. 

And here you are… Loving me in all my “brokeness”, reminding me daily I’m the most important thing in your world.

So today, I want to remind you that you are definitely the most important thing in my world and always will be.  I know I have placed our relationship under considerable stress and strain over the past 18 months and even though you haven’t always understood what was going on, you continued to be my greatest supporter.  The look in your eyes during those early days whilst I was having my “meltdowns” showed me your confusion and uncertainty first hand, but you stuck by me.  And from the day we received my diagnosis, I watched you learn to “manage” my moods and emotions in a way I never thought you capable… But there you were, standing tall and always being the better person to ensure things didn’t get out of hand.  You worked with me tirelessly to help me understand which parts of me were real and which were a result of my depression.  I completely underestimated your capabilities – they have proved amazing!   And for that I will be forever in your debt.

We’ve spoken a lot recently about how much things have improved with my depression, how things are feeling less difficult and more “normal” (whatever that means).  So much so, I’ve even found myself daydreaming about life in a way I haven’t done since our LM was born.  I have your love, respect, and support to thank for this.  Without you, I believe whole-heartedly I wouldn’t be here today sharing my feelings with you, thanking you for everything you have brought to my life.  I shudder to think what dealing with postnatal depression without your warmth and understanding would have meant.  Because together, we are stronger today than we ever have been. 

So… Happy Birthday, my amazingly Handsome Fiance.  You are my everything… Every day, in every possible way.  I know it sounds corny, but it’s true.  I love you to the ends of the earth and back again… And much, much more.

Yours forever and always,

TSM xx

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4 thoughts on “Postnatal Depression: A letter to my Handsome Fiance…

  1. clairzilla says:

    Wow. I can resonate with your letter so much. I often wonder why and how my husband has stuck by me and why he continues to want to stick by me, despite all of the crap days. It’s so wonderful that you have the support of a loving partner.

  2. dhanda1607 says:

    I cannot tell you how great full I am for you to put up this personal post dedicated to your husband. As I was reading this I had tears rolling down my face as I could never find the words to express exactly how I feel to my husband and how much I appreciate how much he does for me personally. I showed him this post and said she couldn’t have put the words any better of what I would like to say to you.

    I’m so thankful that we have such supporting partners in this world x x

    • A Write Relief... (for PND) says:

      We are so, so lucky! And so am I to receive such a lovely comment… thank you so much! I honestly don’t know what I would do with my HF. He has kept me going through what has been the hardest and most confronting time of my life (so far!) and I will forever be grateful to him for that. I am so incredibly glad you also have a caring and supportive partner… Unfortunately, it seems in our position there are many mums who don’t have that and it absolutely breaks my heart. Big hugs to you. xx

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