Due to a comment I received on my previous post, “Postnatal Depression: A day in the life…“, I’m putting in a picture of how I imagine my Postnatal Depression Monster to look. I have often joked in previous blogs about how I refer to my PND-M as a “he”, not a “she”. For me, the answer was one I really had to think about. But in the end, I believe it’s simply because monster’s are usually huge and strong in a physical sense. This has NOTHING to do with my vision of inner strength as I believe “she” monsters would have that in droves too! And besides, my monster isn’t too scary looking in my mind. He isn’t “negative” in the frightening sense of what a monster’s image might conjure up for some. He is actually quite cute… However, he is uninvited, distracting, and impacting my life in a negative way at this time.
My analogy of comparing my PND to a “monster” centres around my needing to visualise something physical to push back behind a door, to physically move something aside when it’s in the way, to feel victorious when I can no longer see it. My analogy has my PND-M living in a closet of which he comes out whenever he feels like it to make his presence felt. It is back into this closet I imagine myself pushing him, or beating him back with a broom (when I’m feeling strong enough). Perhaps this is also the reason why I see my PND as a monster, because if he were human I would be in all kinds of trouble for my rough handling of the situation! It is my intense hope that one glorious day I will be able to dispose of this closet all together and live my life free from the monster lurking within (nb: my closet is obviously free-standing, as otherwise I would need to move house!). Whilst I also refer to my depression as a “weight” or a “cloud”, these are things much less tangible if I find myself wanting (or needing) to have the satisfaction of defeating them on any given day. I really hope this makes sense.
So, please find below an image of my PND-M as he appears to me… I am very much hoping he can become a memory in my past of whom I can be proud of knowing and sharing this time with. One day I know this will be the case… Just not at the moment. 🙂
I hope today is a great day for you,