Postnatal Depression: Even strong people need hugs…

I’m going to be 100% honest and say I am desperately unhappy at the moment… I don’t know why, I just am.  And I need a hug.  Did I mention that?  Just a massive, all-consuming, let’s-not-talk-about-anything, warm, loving hug!  I will warn you though…  In the event you decide to give me the before mentioned hug, I will break down and cry… Well, weep actually.  Yes, I will weep, and weep, and shudder, blow my nose, and probably weep some more.  And my mascara will run, and so will my nose… It will NOT be a pretty sight.  Just putting that out there.

I’m hurting deep, deep down inside and I just don’t know what to do about it.

So my answer is this… I will write it down and try to leave just a little bit of the hurt in my words on this page.  Surely by venting and getting all of these tumultuous emotions out on the table I will be able to lighten this burden upon myself and get back to the business of being strong… Right?

I’m not sure there is any one reason for this hurt, more that there are a great many “little things” that have been accumulating for a long time now and have finally gotten the better of me.  Things I know I can’t fix.  Things I know I have no control over.  Things I know I simply CANNOT continue to live with.  The age-old “catch-22” situation.   Hence the hurting… The pain of knowing something has to give and not wanting it to be my final ounce of self-worth.  Not wanting it to be my losing my mind completely.  Not wanting it to be my leaving because I don’t feel I have any other option.  I am scared, and my God do I feel alone… So completely alone.

How do I be the best mother and person I can be when I’m feeling so crappy so much of the time?  How do I be a warm, loving role-model to my son when I’m in so much pain myself, and so angry about the things I cannot change?  I’m scared for him… And I’m scared for me.  This is not the life I want to live.

I fell asleep last night hoping against all hope I would wake this morning and feel better… But alas, it was not meant to be.  I know these feelings will pass, but at what or who’s expense?  Will they simply be pushed back down with all of those other feelings until the next time everything erupts again?  Will I continue to hurt my HF and family with my godawful, brutal honesty?   Will I continue to pretend everything is okay until the next dark day I have when I’m helpless to keep my mind from letting everything out?  Decisions need to me made.  But I can’t make them now.

I just need a hug.

TSM  xx

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12 thoughts on “Postnatal Depression: Even strong people need hugs…

  1. Kylie says:

    Sending you a hug.

  2. Evonne says:

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, may you find light very soon xox

  3. Thanks so much for your kind words of support, Leonie. I feel like I’m doing the best job I can and to have you say such nice things gives me hope that I too will get through this as you have done.. I really, really appreciate it. Big hugs and be sure to enjoy a lovely day. xx

  4. ivyshihleung says:

    I’m so sorry you are hurting so……sending you hugs and hope for brighter days ahead.

  5. Thanks for your hugs, Ivy… They are so very much appreciated. Days are feeling a little brighter, but still a ways to go. A difficult time of year I think. xx

  6. Andrea says:

    So sorry that you are hurting right now. I am sending you huge hugs. I hope that by writing it out, it helped even a little & I hope that your days get easier very soon. Know that you are not alone. Thinking of you.

    • Thanks, Andrea… Writing it out definitely does help – A LOT! And my days are definitely getting easier. It seems the lows don’t last too long these days, but when they happen they hit hard. It’s never very nice but I’m looking forward to blogging about more positive things soon. x

  7. Sending you huge hugs and love. Sometimes the big ugly cry with all the mascara running and the snot dripping out of your noise can be cathartic. This time of year can be so stressful. Keep holding on to those little glimmers of hope.

    • I love having a “big ugly cry”… Can be so incredibly cathartic! I just try not to look in the mirror afterwards though. I agree this time of year is always hard, and more so for me this year as it was this time last year when my world completely fell apart and I finally admitted I needed help. The anxiety in my chest when faced with similar interactions and social events this year is something I did not expect at all… Has been quite a confronting experience. But good also, as I can definitely see how far I’ve come in the past 12 months. Hopefully next year will be an even greater celebration of that. I hope your Christmas is wonderful and thank-you as always for your thoughts. xx

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