I’m going to be 100% honest and say I am desperately unhappy at the moment… I don’t know why, I just am. And I need a hug. Did I mention that? Just a massive, all-consuming, let’s-not-talk-about-anything, warm, loving hug! I will warn you though… In the event you decide to give me the before mentioned hug, I will break down and cry… Well, weep actually. Yes, I will weep, and weep, and shudder, blow my nose, and probably weep some more. And my mascara will run, and so will my nose… It will NOT be a pretty sight. Just putting that out there.
I’m hurting deep, deep down inside and I just don’t know what to do about it.
So my answer is this… I will write it down and try to leave just a little bit of the hurt in my words on this page. Surely by venting and getting all of these tumultuous emotions out on the table I will be able to lighten this burden upon myself and get back to the business of being strong… Right?
I’m not sure there is any one reason for this hurt, more that there are a great many “little things” that have been accumulating for a long time now and have finally gotten the better of me. Things I know I can’t fix. Things I know I have no control over. Things I know I simply CANNOT continue to live with. The age-old “catch-22” situation. Hence the hurting… The pain of knowing something has to give and not wanting it to be my final ounce of self-worth. Not wanting it to be my losing my mind completely. Not wanting it to be my leaving because I don’t feel I have any other option. I am scared, and my God do I feel alone… So completely alone.
How do I be the best mother and person I can be when I’m feeling so crappy so much of the time? How do I be a warm, loving role-model to my son when I’m in so much pain myself, and so angry about the things I cannot change? I’m scared for him… And I’m scared for me. This is not the life I want to live.
I fell asleep last night hoping against all hope I would wake this morning and feel better… But alas, it was not meant to be. I know these feelings will pass, but at what or who’s expense? Will they simply be pushed back down with all of those other feelings until the next time everything erupts again? Will I continue to hurt my HF and family with my godawful, brutal honesty? Will I continue to pretend everything is okay until the next dark day I have when I’m helpless to keep my mind from letting everything out? Decisions need to me made. But I can’t make them now.
I just need a hug.